My friend took a test on the internet to determine how much she consumes. At the end, the computer condescendingly spat out, “Congratulations! If everyone in the world consumed the way you do, it would take 2 1/2 worlds to sustain us!” She decided to dramatically decrease her habits of consumption for the following three months.

I could have said, “That sounds interesting–tell me more.” Or, “Wow–do you think it will be hard?” Or even, “I may be interested in doing something like that someday. What are your guidelines?” But, no. I did not say any of those things.

Instead, quickly and stupidly, I said, “Hey–I’ll do it, too!”

I laid out the rules and told everyone who would listen. I would spend as little money as possible from September 1 through December 1. Groceries and birthday presents were necessities. Shoes, hair cuts, clothes of any kind (even underwear) were not.

Gone would be the days of grocery shopping at Super Target, slyly adding a pair of sunglasses, a t-shirt and some socks to the food bill. I’m not sure who I thought I was fooling on those “food shopping” trips, but now, of course, I see this person in the mirror. With old sunglasses on.

I’m pretty sure this was not to be allowed, but I stocked up on my inventory during the last week of August. My favorite Bumble and Bumble shampoo that you can only get at the salon, Borghese makeup and short and long sleeved t-shirts for the transition into fall. I was ignoring the fact that the same amount of consumption was occurring whether it happened all in one week or over the course of a few months.

This was going to be an important life lesson. A realization in the fine art of appreciating what I have instead of longing for what I don’t. And for the first few weeks, I was definitely learning the lesson. I was proud of my newfound ability to resist the impulse purchases. I was pretty high on my horse when it came to using things that normally sat at the back of my closet. When I worked out at home, I wore the exercise clothes that I would never wear to the gym (they make me look fat)–who was going to see? I used things that were at the bottom of the barrel instead of buying something new. I was becoming very thoughtful about reducing, reusing and recycling.

But today is October 29th. And I’ve been doing this for two months, now. And it sucks.

The seasons have changed and I need some new clothes. My hair is driving me crazy and it needs a good styling. I have the money I have been saving for the designer purse in my savings account. I’m afraid if I don’t use it it will disappear.

I have learned a few lessons so far, one being that I don’t shop just for the sake of acquiring things. In the craziness of a family of five, with two big dogs and a fish, friends breezing through the house and car rides to various activities, shopping is a respite. It is a few moments, however fleeting, that I am meant to think about only myself. I am thinking about the needs of others all week long, but in that half hour at Marshall’s, pondering over a nineteen dollar blouse, I am thinking about me, my body, where I will wear it and how I will look in it. I do not think about cleaning up my house while I am in the shoe section of Nordstrom Rack. I do not think about exercising while I am looking at the exercise clothes at Target. And when I am trying on jeans at The Gap, I am not thinking of…well…I’m not thinking of anything other than simply getting into them.

The term “retail therapy” is not a joke. Shopping is just as good as meditating and yoga as far as I’m concerned.

I have four more weeks on my shopping diet. I am starting to get the shakes. I’m getting headaches like a major coffee drinker without their morning fix. I now understand how a three pack a day smoker feels after going cold turkey. I am jonesing for a buy.

They say that most diets fail, and that dieters gain all their weight back plus a few pounds.

Does this mean I will more than make up for all these weeks of frugality? That on December 2nd I will walk out of Old Navy with shirts and socks falling out of my overstuffed bags? That I will go to the boutique and spend my savings on the purse, plus get the $300 wallet on credit card?

Mmmmm. Sorry…I’m back. I was lost in my little fantasy there for a moment. A fantasy that I will relish in for the next 32 days. 768 hours. 46,080 minutes. 2,764,800 seconds.

2,764,799 seconds.

2,764,798 seconds.

2,764,797…