Published in The Broomfield Enterprise, 12/9/07

As adults, we place a premium on where we are seated. The front of an airplane, an intimate corner of a restaurant or courtside at the game, prime seats hold an advantage most secretly covet, or at least appreciate.

For children with siblings, that coveted placement is, simply, where their brother or sister happens to be. If one child is perfectly happy relaxing on a floor pillow, then that very pillow on that very spot of carpet becomes like a red-velvet-roped square in which Oprah’s “Favorite Things” episode is being filmed.

Sibling rivalry is a fascinating and dynamic being.

During a recent presentation, renowned inspirational and spiritual leader, Dr. Wayne Dyer, discussed how situations always seem to work themselves out. To illustrate, he discussed the very topic of sibling rivalry, with two young children approaching him for conflict resolve. His repeated response of, “I’m sure you two will figure out a way to work this out,” resulted in the children–I know this sounds crazy—actually figuring out a way to work it out.

But he’s an “renowned inspirational and spiritual leader”, and he’s written books and perpetual calendars and has shows on PBS, so of course it’s going to work for him.

Nonetheless, I decided to give it a try.

I didn’t have to wait long–my four and five-year-olds began fighting first thing in the morning.

One of them was “mean” and the other was a “jerk”. One had “bad breath” and the other one “stinked”.

I stayed out of it.

Addition skills were questioned, memories were doubted, and reputations were at stake when they finally yelled, in unison, “MOM!!!”

I kept my cool. I was ready to conduct the experiment, which I assumed would be a process of reminders and lessons and explanations helping them understand the concept of conflict resolution.

“I’m sure you two will figure out a way to work this out,” I said.

They looked with wide and confused eyes, which stared “this can’t be all you’ve got” at me.

And then the oddest thing happened–I’m not kidding you here–one looked at the other and said, “I’m sorry.”

And the other looked right back and said, “I’m sorry, too.”

And I looked at both of them, but they were too busy getting along to see my eyes staring “are you $%%^&* kidding me?” back at them.

The remainder of the morning was quiet and relaxing. And that was that.

Dr. Dyer explains the best gift we can give our children is the release from what has been called “helicopter parenting” and, among other things, letting our children learn to resolve conflicts on their own. The need to interfere, to add our two cents, to re-teach the lessons taught to us so many years ago…all of this is based on our desire to control something that is not controllable. We can protect our children, help them, guide them…but we cannot control them. Just as we are, our children are their own beings.

I learned an important lesson that morning. I learned to let go–of the reminders, of the explanations, of the control. I learned that my children are smarter than I thought, with skills they haven’t yet been encouraged to use.

And I learned that sometimes the best lesson is the one not taught.